But it’s so hard and I love you and I miss you. I could honestly jump a train right now and turn up on your doorstep, like last night’s dream. My friend is asking how things are with you right now and all I can do is cry even though nothing is wrong. I just miss you and I would do anything to see you. All I want is a hug.
I had the most amazing dream last night and I woke up thinking it was true
The first thing I can remember is buying a train ticket and texting my friend to tell him to meet me at the other side. The train ride took no time (ofcourse it would, it was a dream) and then I got off the platform and he was there… I pounced into his arms and we stood there for what seemed like forever, practically bear hugging, we wouldn’t let go. He took me to his house and then we went to loads of places in his area that he likes to go to, bumping into people he wanted me to meet along the way. We were walking and sometimes not even talking (we didn’t need to, it was enough to have him so close to me), we just held hands. That was the best part of the dream. I know I could feel his hand against mine as I slept (you might think that’s silly). The bits in between I can’t think of right now, but I know when I lay in bed tonight and I think over things, it will all link together and I’ll have the perfect day in my head. And now I think about it, around this time two years ago, we were probably stood side by side, holding hands.
There is this girl I used to go to school with and at the beginning of the year she would send me detailed messages on here telling me how I should kill myself (they were anon but I had to pass them on later when she said something as herself, and they were proved to be her), and sometimes it would really upset me because it’s horrible thought to think that someone would actually want you to be six feet under. And when I think about it when I first started out on here and didn’t have many followers I used to get nasty things like that when I posted photos of myself, and she would immediately speak to me about (literally only seconds would pass) would it be text or on here or on the phone. Now I’m really thinking deep into it they were similar to the things that would be said when the situation got terrible. It makes me sad because I used to be really really close to this girl. Things started to get weird maybe about nine months ago when she would ask me why she couldn’t be ‘pretty like me’… what do you say to that really? Then she would fall out with me because of it, then she would say nasty things because of it. One day she asked me to stop wearing make-up to school ‘so the boys would look at her instead’ (bearing in mind that I barely got ready for school because there was no one there I wanted to impress, corny but I really was there to learn) and I laughed thinking she wasn’t being serious and then she started crying. I said I wouldn’t go outside my comfort zone to put her inside hers and later on in the day when people asked her why she was crying when she was talking to me she told them I was bullying her (bearing in mind I used to be bullied when I was younger and it was horrific so I would never turn the tables) and I lost a lot of friends because of her lies. Then things got worse and the detailed messages started, which I thought might be her and even people were telling me she thought she was doing it -but I couldn’t take their word for it, because what if it wasn’t. And one evening it was let slip, she left me a message as her. Not anon. I could see it was her. I published it (edited so only her friends and the people who were disgusted in me because of the ‘bullying’, could see it was her) and while I was mad I thought it would be more mature to just leave it at that, I knew it was her now, and now I could just brush it off. The following day at school the news of what had happened spread fast, and people were confronting her because of it (I never said a word about it at school, only just saying I was okay when people told me not to be upset). She kept leaving classes crying, the teaches that then came to see what was wrong were told again that I was ‘bullying her’. A bunch of teachers came together and then took me out of one of my classes and because I wouldn’t take what they were saying on the chin (why should I? Bullying is serious) they said me being ‘confrontational’ must mean it was true. I was so upset one teacher who had taught me for five years, and I got along with so well, told me I was a disappointment. I was furious and when I got in I showed my mum everything that had been said and told her about my day. She rung the school and went ballistic at them for falling at the feet of the first one to turn on the waterworks. My mum wanted it sorted because she was more upset than me and I had to pass details on and it was proved that this ‘friend’ was saying everything and I wasn’t bullying her at all! I am told that she now has ‘cyber-bully’ written on her educational report, and when I was told by a mutual friend of ours that she can’t get a job, it sprung to mind that this is why. The moral: Be careful what you say on the internet.
What I’ve just realised/the two and two put together: This girl has had it out for me from the start. How stupid of me not to see that.
Also, by her not clicking on anon (what I presumed she meant to do, but didn’t) the friends I lost because she told them I was bullying her (not because I said no to not wearing make up) were able to see I was telling the truth. Unfortunately, some people I’m still not friends with. She’s not friends with them either, she’s not got many friends at all I hear. I don’t know why she felt she could tear me down for the way I looked (it was the way I looked as to why I got bullied when I was younger), it makes me mad, I’m also so proud I stuck it out -with minimal tears.
The second moral: I got bullied when I was younger for being ‘ugly’ etc, and I got bullied again for ‘being too beautiful’. It doesn’t matter how you look (someone will always despise you however) it matters how beautiful you are on the inside.
The rest of the portraits are going to have to wait
While you’re all gorgeous and the photos you sent me are fab, some of them I am not able to work from. I am now asking round for people’s help, so if you are left something in your ask feel honoured ;-) Please don’t be offended if I haven’t got round to you yet, it’s just now my skills haven’t excelled enough. I am looking for people with strong facial features.